Dear Brenda

"I need more face!" - Deven Green

Guys, there is NO way I could pass on this. Leave it to me to go from looking for the umpteenth time at a Brenda Dickson parody (performed by Deven Green) to looking at the real thing, to then looking to see where has the crazy gone, and finding this - the ground zero, the nest egg, the motherlode - her very own blog.

Sometimes the jokes just come on their own. I'm in tears. This is powerful stuff, folks.

One of my fans has written a suicidal help note!!! That's an urgent matter. I do happen to have some good advice (this advice can be used by all my fans). It will work if you do it, and, you must promise to try. Ready? First stop by your nearest GNC Store, buy a box of vitamins, the kind they sell in packets. So, it is many in a cellophane wrap. Also get the right one for your age and gender. Pick up capsules of calcium/magnesium in capsule form (not hard pill form, capsule form), take the vitamins daily, 1500 IU of Calcium/Magnesium nightly and I want you to join a gym if you can afford it (check with you doctor first to see if it is O.K.). Get a trainer for one day to show you the ropes of how to use the equipment. You must do 30 minutes three days a week or more. If you are out of shape, you may have to build up to it by stair master, bike or walker. By using the stair master, bike or walker, combined with the weights, your endorphins will kick in, you'll be smiling even at the worst problem. If you can't afford a gym, go outside, take a 30 minute walk and some running. You can buy videos on weight lifting or aerobics. Do that too, especially if you can't afford a gym. Buy a video. Step class or some movement of the entire body called Aerobics. If you do this 30 minutes three days a week, you'll stay steady and happy. No drug or alcohol for awhile. Start feeling good again! It will work if you do it! Take the Calcium/Magnesium at night before bed. It will clam you. This is good for all my fans.

So basically, if you're a harakiri in the making, don't slice that flaccid tummy of yours! Instead, do abs, cardio, take a busload of pills -- no, not that kind. . . these, the nicer ones -- and turn that walking corpse of yours into a sizzling hot mess any musclebound hunk would like to piggy his willie out on. You'll thank her in the end, and won't you look fabulous.

And anyway, who needs the Suicide Hotline when you can have some clamming pills for your complexion? Hello, mirror!